"Welcome to human obedience class,the class will meet every Tuesday night for four weeks,
do not bring humans who do not like other humans,
or cannot communicate in a civil way, this means
no Congressmen, people of the left or right, bankers,
tech support or customer service reps or
radio or TV talk show hosts.
We will teach basic obedience:
come when called, stay when told, feed when commanded.
The class will instruct you on basic obedience:
how to get humans to stop
when you want to sniff something, pee on a bush, growl at a squirrel
or a cat, walk in a crooked line, throw a ball when looked in the eye
and given the command of three barks. How to make a human take you into
bed, let you on a sofa, buy those gourmet bones.
In class two, we will learn how to maintain eye contact with humans,
triggering the "guilt response," where humans say "awww, puppy"
and offer a treat, a hug, walk or a meal.
In the third class, we shall learn to move pull humans along a path while
they curse and shout and make curious noises. We will
teach them to wait patiently while we sniff for food and sniff other dogs.
Class four is about learning to not emotionalize humans.
They are not like dogs,
they have poor instincts, are easily confused,
possess few natural hunting or survival skills,
and generally impaired senses of smell. It is impossible to train them
well if they are emotionalized, they are simple, elemental creatures,
very needy, with very short attention spans. They are not only
willing to be manipulated by dogs, they seem to love and need it.
Classes are important if you wish to live with humans.
Training is not about obedience, but communication.
We need to show them how to be safe in our world.
First, we will learn to read human body language,
how to read their posture, facial expressions, rear ends
when they move.
Humans make a wide variety of sounds, they are given to shouting,
waving their arms, making loud gutteral and whining noises,
especially when they are running after dogs, shouting commands.
They are nearly helpless when left alone, especially outside,
they have no instincts to speak of, speak too much and
need exercise several times a day.
Among the lesson topics: how to communicate with rescue humans
who have been abused – most humans seem to be – how to choose a human.
We all love humans here, and want to help them.
We believe the only way to choose a human is, in fact, to rescue one,
there are so many of them in desperate
need of a dog, it is almost immoral to choose a happy and healthy one.
Be prompt, bring leashes and some treats for training – humans call them donuts."
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